I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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