I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
