I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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