Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
