Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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