party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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