help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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