I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
