This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
