just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
