i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
