I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
