I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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