chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
