Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
