I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
