She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
