I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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