I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
