Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
