She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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