You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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