I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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