Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
