Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
