I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
