TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
