Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
