Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
