I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
