i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
