she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
