The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
