The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
