I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So squirting runs in the family.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
