i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
