i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
