Sacagawea was the original milf.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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