Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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