i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
