I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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