Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
