so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
