Too much gin, very little bucket
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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