Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
