did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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