i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
