hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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