I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
