I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
